If you think North Korea pulled off that massive cyber attack against Sony alone, raise your hand. If you swear they had nothing to do with it, raise your hand.
Hey you, in the back with the bad haircut and the big cheese wheel, sit down. You have no credibility.
Come on now, we’re talking about North Korea, a country led by Kim Jong Unbelievable, psychotic supreme leader who not only supposedly kills his relatives and ex-girlfriends for fun, but who claims he’s a god with a nuke.
Don’t buy it. How many living gods can you name that had Dennis Rodman as a best friend? Exactly.
And seriously? The whole country is more like a 19th century farm with limited electricity than a world power with brilliantly sophisticated hackers. They’re lucky to have six people who can turn on a computer, and the ones who probably could were killed for downloading “The Interview” at his request.
North Korea is as capable of a cyber attack against Sony as North West, the baby.
But North Korea’s northwest (not the baby) neighbor, China, has the expertise and a binding treaty to uphold which compels them to render all assistance to North Korea if and when it is under attack. Of course, the pact was written in 1961 when “cyber-attack” sounded like a B-movie about a mythical one-eyed monster from Japan, not an attack by hackers with computer equipment made in Japan.
Clearly, the gout-riddled little man believes that his exploding head scene in “The Interview” qualifies as an attack on North Korea and his godly cheese-eating self.
The Chinese even have a luxury hotel in Shenyang, where these hackers thrive. If China doesn’t start flooding the market with pirated versions of “The Interview,” we’ll know they are the hired hackers.
The movie’s un-release is such a big deal that on Friday even President Obama condemned Sony for bagging the movie, and suggested that Sony should have spoken to him first.
And who exactly at Sony would have made that call — Amy Pascal?
“Hi, President Django? Amy Pascal here.”
“‘12 Years a Slave,’Amy?”
“Oh you. No! I won’t park your car.”
“Legitimate mistake. Black guy. Parking lot. Bow tie?”
Meantime, the Human Rights Foundation plans to drop DVDs of “The Interview” over the Hermit Kingdom. Too bad no one has a DVD player there. Shouldn’t they be dropping food?
On the good side of all this, George Clooney agrees with me that Sony should not have bagged the movie altogether, but streamed it for free for the whole world (well, not North Korea).
More people would have seen “The Interview” than would ever have paid to see it, and Sony could have racked up so much much-needed good will that they truly could have turned a disaster into a holiday gift: Good Will Towards Men, with the exception of Kim Jong Un. A release that big would have made a god’s head explode.
A ‘FREE’ CUBA AT A PRICE
Finally! After 54 long years, we’re reopening relations with Cuba.
Why should China and Russia be the only former threats to our democracy and economy to reap the benefits of U.S. trade agreements that send our manufacturing jobs there (especially to China) and create individual bazillionaires out of low-level comrades dedicated to abolishing individual wealth?
It worked like a charm! American workers who lost their manufacturing jobs lost their individual wealth and were often forced onto unemployment and welfare, until they basically became reluctant communists — dependent on the government to feed their families.
While opening Cuba may turn Miami into no-tourist land, U.S. classic car collectors alone will make oligarchs out of Cuban commies, especially Cuban cabbies, whose ancient rides are worth a fortune. A 1954 Pontiac, anybody?
ANGIE’S CRAZY GOOD
All I want for Christmas is to be as seriously out of my mind as Anglina Jolie — as defined by Scott Rudin.
I too want to be so crazy that I have a gorgeous multi-racial family, a brilliant career and Brad Pitt panting like a dog at my door.
I want to be so unstable that I have a proven human rights record.
I want to be so certifiable that I have the balls to make “Unbroken,” a brilliant, true movie about a real-life hero, even knowing that it’ll be snubbed by the Hollywood Press Association and their 89 freeloading freelancers no one’s ever heard of.
I want to be so crazy that my Cleopatra movie would be about Cleopatra as a powerful female world leader, not Cleopatra, half-a-hooker.
All I want for Christmas is be as crazy as Angelina Jolie. Please, Santa.
NYPD GETTING READY TO BE TASERED
The NYPD plans to purchase 450 new Tasers to give to officers who are less experienced than the elite Emergency Service Unit cops who now have them.
The police said there have been just over 300 Taser incidents this year, up from 200 in the previous two years. They believe the Tasers serve as a nonlethal alternative to potentially lethal gunfire.
Great, but what will they use to replace the lethal chokehold?
MS. KARDASHIAN IS VERY WELL-HEELED
Either she is too fabulous to be human, or she knocked over a Yeti. Yes, Kim Kardashian — who will do anything for publicity — stepped out the other day in a demure gray ensemble complete with fur-lined heeled sandals that look like she was wearing the missing feet of the missing link.
In expressing his love for Seth Rogen and James Franco, President Obama mistakenly called Franco “Flacco.” Hey, it’s OK. Everyone mistakes white guys for press agents … Convicted murderer Michelle Kosilek was just denied the taxpayer funds needed for her gender reassignment surgery while in prison. The prison already pays for the killer’s facial hair removal, hormone treatments and women’s clothing, which is a lot more than the rest of us non-murderous women get. You know how much waxing costs at a decent salon?